DITCHES, MARSHES, RIVER FORDS AND THE GREAT BATTLE TOWER.
Prepare for a little trip on the Wayback Machine…
Exhibit A: BATTLE MASTERS
This was such a bitch to put together and looked nothing like this upon completion.
That fucking tower was fragile as shit.
The dudes didn’t stay on their fucking trays either.
Horses were constantly falling onto each other
and an eight year old Rembrandt couldn’t put the stickers on the fucking flags correctly.
I didn’t even want to play this because it took so long to prepare for
and it took up the entire fucking floorspace of my house to play.
Still, we played it mercilessly because my parents hated us for owning it.
EXHIBIT B: RED LEGO BRIEFCASE
As if my parents weren’t concerned enough that I would grow up
to be a kiss stealing, wheelin’ dealin’, limousine ridin’, jet flying son of a bitch,
along came the red LEGO briefcase to solidify their most troubling insights.
The red LEGO briefcase, in tandem with a nifty wardrobe that mostly didn’t fit,
enabled me to saunter around D.C. neighborhoods as the heir-apparent to the Nature Boy.
Red LEGO briefcase survived until Arion threw up in it and the smell wouldn’t go away.
Sadly, the plastic and all those bevels just retained the stench through every kind of power fucking washdown.
Fucking A.
I hear a rustle in the streets
and the rumbling ground.
I feel a hustle to the beat
like you’re fearing the sound.
Arison Cain
A Modest Proposal
I am not sure if some of you are familiar with Shirley Phelps-Roper.
She is the media figurehead of the Westboro Baptist Church,
which has been picketing the funerals of American soldiers,
congressman, children, the Amish and basically everything that civilized people care about.
In essence, they do this to bring attention to the decline of American civilization into sin
and our destiny, as a nation, to rot in hell because of fags.
Their website can be found here: godhatesfags.com
And some video of an appearance on FOX NEWS
can be found here: YOUTUBE VIDEO.
To get to the point of the matter,
on behalf of use-bombs.com
and the devil himself,
I am challenging her to a debate to end all debates.
Below is a copy of the letter I sent to Shirley:
Subject: A Modest Proposal
Dear Shirley,
My name is Arison Cain. I am contacting you after viewing several of your appearances on Fox News, as well as other major media outlets. I consider myself a proud follower of Satan. I can see that, based on my own personal belief system, you and I may not necessarily see eye to eye as it pertains to religion. That’s okay. Now, before you respond with a diatribe of quoted scripture about my imminent (I hope!) descent into the ranks of hell, I would like to make an offer to you.
I would like to debate you, speaking on the behalf of the devil.
Though the specifics of my offer have not yet been finalized, this debate would more than likely appear on my website: www.use-bombs.com. I know that you’re a busy lady, so let me know of a date and time, preferably in 2007, that would satiate your womanly needs.
I look forward to your response.
With great sin,
Arison Cain
The devil doesn’t appreciate her attempts to stray people from his cause.
*Arison*
Everything tastes better in mourning.
We know how much he respected the animal what took him.
Ladies and gentlemen,
indeed, it has been some time.
I feel compulsive tonight.
I need to bring something to your attention.
After hearing of Steve Irwin’s untimely death,
a group of us decided to hold a candlelight vigil in his honor.
I even wrote a poem for Steve:
“Our Hunter”
Precious few have walked the Earth
and looked so good in Khaki.
Gladly kicking ass since birth
and absolutely wacky.Your adventures filled our hearts,
our bodies and our psyche
full of all your worldly smarts
whenever you yelled “Crikey!”.The news about you hit the wire,
it put the world in shock.
For the man we most admire
no more will wrestle croc.And now the time has come at last
for us to say goodbye.
The man, the myth has come and passed.
You’re wrestling in the sky.
A black guy was crying. Pictures were taken.
Time stood still.
Well, over the course of the next few days
wonderful things started to happen.
Photos of our vigil were posted
on CNN.com, Nowpublic.com
and other news-related websites.
It’s all for you Steve.
God Bless.
*Arison*
Running with the coydogs.
I’m sick of this dimension
and I’m finding a new one.
Who’s with me?!
*Arison*
Clutch cargo.
Grab your bags,
ladies and gentlefolks….
Cru Jones
The Big Screen
Shindig
Deciphering the Neural Code
and Arison Cain.
Sunday October 23.
The Gouvernuer Elks Club, Gouverneur NY
Rt 11. 1 mile North of town
doors at 1pm, tickets only $6
Sponsored by:
Purevolume.com,
Sony Connect,
Jax Prints,
Full Armor Clothing,
and Deaf Kid Recording
Please come and support our rock.
There’s only so much you can do with
my kind of sauce.
Also, I’ve updated the purevolume account slightly
if anyone was interested.
*Arison*
Call me some commands.
I’m on a crusade to be an inspector.
That makes me a cruspector.
So, I have a brief announcement, if I may be so bold.
Our band is opening a show on the Undecided Records Tour on October 23rd in Governeur, N.Y.
More details will be announced extra soon.
*A-Lo*
I'm in touch with your world.
It seems they would make you think I had expired.
Unfortunately, for you, I return with some steadying beats and stuff.
This is science fiction, and I oughta know:
1 . Christmas comes early in the form of a DVD compilation and documentary.
2. Mike Awesome vs. Masato Tanaka from ECW One Night Stand is my pick for match of the year for a plethora of reasons. For one, he let go of his upstanding eighties haircut. I also like to think this match was Mike Awesome’s “apology” to ECW and Paul Heyman. Mike Awesome could have run over my pets/grandparents with a Humvee and, if this was his apology, I’d bake that man a cake. Two cakes, even.
3. We Love Katamari. Period.
Keep your hands off my friction.
*Arison*
Songs in the key of indian cupboards.
There is a time and a place for that sort of behavior.
The time for my behavior may very well be on
October 2nd, when The Polysics take over the downstairs lounge at CBGB’s in NYC.
Regardless, though, I have come to issue a warning:
Steer clear of others who claim to be the rock incarnate.
There is only one.
*Arison*